When we attempt to show care to those around us, we tend to show it in the ways we prefer to receive love and affection, but not everyone’s language of love is the same.

Do you know your love language? Just as importantly, do you know the love languages of those around you? Keep reading for a few tips on how to show you care.

I think it’s worth saying that the underlying message in all of this is that love is an action, not a feeling. If you’re someone in a long-term relationship of any kind, I’m sure you’re very aware that the feelings of fuzziness and warmth tend wear off after the first 6 or so months. Well, thankfully that’s just biology talking in the early days of love. The feelings of gushiness and connection, of loving every little annoying thing your partner does and labeling it as cute and quirky… that’s all just nature’s way of encouraging us to partner up and procreate—a flood of chemical influence that overtakes us. So what to do when we aren’t coursing with chemicals helping us along? It comes down to small choices every day to show we care through action.

Understanding someone’s love language is one of the best ways to show you care. Doing something that you feel is loving, when it’s not delivered in the right language, can feel a bit like trying to drive a car through a brick wall.

So what are the love languages? A 1995 book by entitled 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman highly popularized the concept of love languages. The love languages help qualify the ways in which we “speak love” to each other. Each person is different in terms of what is valuable to them. Think of it like trying to install a Windows program on a Mac computer—communication won’t happen if the programming language isn’t the same.

The Love Languages In Brief

1) Words of Affirmation:

Words of affirmation are just that—showing you care through positive words toward your partner. Saying I love you or giving compliments can go a long way for this person. Conversely, if words of affirmation are a love language for your partner, negative comments can be especially detrimental to them.

2) Acts of Service:

Express care to this love language by performing actions such as doing a load of laundry, preparing a meal, or running some errands that you know are on your partner’s to-do list. Being that this is one of MY love languages, I can’t express how amazing it is when your partner anticipates a need and takes action to do it. Ohhhh baby. Yes please.

3) Receiving Gifts

Just because someone enjoys gifts and feels loved through them does not mean they are materialistic. A gift doesn’t have to be a “gift” in the traditional sense, but perhaps they have a favorite cup of coffee around town or a takeout lunch you can bring them on a busy day. This person feels loved when you know what they enjoy.

4) Quality Time

The person who gets filled up by quality time wants your attention. You need to make them the center of your attention, at least some of the time, to replenish their love bank account. On the opposite side, splitting your attention between them and something else can feel especially hurtful. When you’re having a conversation, ignore the email or text message and give them your full attention.

5) Physical Touch

When thinking of physical touch, don’t be constrained to kissing or sexual intimacy. Playing with someone’s hair, giving hugs, resting your hand on their leg while driving, or massaging their shoulders while you watch a movie together are all non-sexual ways to keep their cup full.

Curious what your love language is? Take the quiz here

I think it’s important to remember that the love languages don’t only apply to intimate relationships. Knowing the love languages of your kids, parents, friends, and co-workers can all help keep you and them more fulfilled in your relationship.

Go forth and love your people how they want to be loved!