If you’re a mom and you’re reading this—stop right now—hand this to someone else to read. If you’re someone that’s looking to support the moms in your life, read on.

I am not a mother nor do I claim any level of understand of the weight or responsibility of being a mother. I do, however, have a mother, and I have 11 nieces and nephews from 3 sisters under the tutelage of my title as uncle. In addition to that, I embrace the stereotypical role of a gay male in enjoying many female friends in my life. I think that at least qualifies me to say that I am solidly adjacent to many moms. Not just that, I’m adjacent to a lot of bad ass women and moms.

Being a mom is fucking hard. No matter how amazing a person is, this is an inescapable truth. And when you can tell it’s hard from a distance, you know it’s exponentially harder firsthand. Stereotypes aside and progress included, there is still an undeniable societal expectation that mothers bear the brunt of the mental load when it comes to caring for the family. From planning meals to organizing schedules to managing budgets, to maintaining a career, the to-do list for moms appears never-ending. Add to that the mental labor of keeping the family together, managing everyone’s emotions, and often being expected to be the primary caregiver for children, and it’s no wonder that so many mothers feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Add to that the fact that moms are expected to, in modern society, do this alone, or, at MAX, with a nuclear family unit, is still overwhelming and flies in the face of how families and child-rearing has operated for thousands of years prior.

In modern times we’ve taken to calling this “village-less motherhood.” It’s the concept that raising children in the past was more of a community effort than it is now, and that it should NOT be surprising that the resounding message from mothers today is: This is REALLY hard. So while you alone may not be able to fix our social imbalances toward mothers, you can start with what’s in front of you. And that means we can all learn how to better support and truly share in the load placed on the mothers in our lives.

here are 10 things you can do to help

Have the DTR. If you have mothers in your life (or really just anyone who is alive and breathing), it can help to have a conversation defining the roles and the relationship. What does help look like to them? If you noticed that they were struggling, would they be helped or hurt if you just stepped in and helped without being asked? Where is most of their time and/or mental/emotional labor spent? What are their biggest stressors? Maybe help looks like the obvious things, but maybe help looks like making a food plan and grocery list for the month because mealtime is a big stressor for them but they actually really DO love to cook.
While the above can be helpful, it can also feel like another thing to do. Especially if you’re in a relationship with this person, don’t wait until you’re asked to help then say “She never asked me for help, how was I supposed to know?” You KNOW what stresses your partner out, and while communication is great, you shouldn’t need to be asked to support your partner or suddenly take notice only when they are stressed or in need of help. Watch, listen, understand, anticipate, and, most importantly, act.
Offer practical support. Sometimes, the best way to help a mom is to offer practical support. This could mean cooking a meal, doing the laundry, or walking the dog. It’s important to remember that the little things can make a big difference. Don’t be afraid to ask the mom in your life what she needs help with.
Listen and validate. One of the biggest unseen tolls is that motherhood can be an extremely isolating experience, and sometimes a mom needs someone to listen to her and validate her feelings. Take the time to really listen to the mom in your life and let her know that you understand how hard she’s working. Offer words of encouragement and let her know that you’re there for her. As above, read the room and ACT. Sharing how you understand their hard work doesn’t mean much if that isn’t followed by…and let’s talk about how I can help.
Give the gift of time. One of the most valuable gifts you can give a mom is the gift of time. Offer to take the kids out for a few hours so that she can have some time to herself. Or, offer to watch the kids while she runs errands or goes to an appointment. There is a little magic in running errands without your kids in tow, as unglamorous as it may seem. Time is a precious commodity for moms, and any opportunity to have a few moments to herself can be a game-changer.
Be flexible. Moms are often juggling multiple responsibilities and unexpected challenges. Be flexible and understanding when plans change or things don’t go as expected. Show empathy and offer support instead of judgment or criticism. There’s a good chance she’s already being hard on herself that things had to change, don’t add to that.
Offer emotional support. Motherhood can be an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s important to offer emotional support to the moms in our lives. Check in on her regularly and offer words of encouragement. Let her know that she’s doing a great job and that you appreciate all that she does. Share in moments of vulnerability from your own life. One of the most bonding things between two people can be sharing the universal moments that tie us together as humans. The moments when we feel that we don’t have it all figured out and feel like a total mess.
Plan the next time NOW. A subtle but real blocker to receiving help or even doing fun things are the associated logistics . It’s like asking someone else to do a task at work that you know will take you half the time. You really know you SHOULD teach someone else how to do it, but you just want it done so you end up not asking for help. When you have a mom in your presence, plan the next time before you leave. Chances are that when she’s hitting a wall and wants to socialize or do something to take a load off, the work to even make that happen can feel like too much. Get something on the calendar—just do it.
Offer financial support. Raising a family can be expensive, and financial stress can take a toll on moms. If you’re in a position to do so, consider offering financial support to the mom in your life. This could mean helping with something practical like groceries or bills, or even offering to pay for a fun outing or activity.
Advocate for policies and laws that support moms. As a society, we can do more to support mothers by advocating for policies that make it easier for them to balance work and family responsibilities. This could mean advocating for paid parental leave, affordable childcare, and flexible work arrangements. By advocating for these policies, we can help alleviate some of the stress and burden that comes with being a mom while wanting to participate in other aspects of society.